found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
