I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
