one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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