Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
