one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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