I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
