He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
