i permit you to call me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
