The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
