I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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