The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
