I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
