At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
