I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
