6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize