im about as happy as oj after his trial
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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