there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
