I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
