textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
