If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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