The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize