I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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