Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize