life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I will pee on everything he values.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
