i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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