Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize