im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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