I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
