i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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