We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
