did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize