I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
