he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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