my phone needs a breathalizer
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
