he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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