Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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