Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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