just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
