I think I won the penis lottery.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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