Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
