My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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