When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
