so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
