dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Randomize
