Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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