I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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