There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize