so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
false alarm. still invincible.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
