I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
