Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize