my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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