3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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