just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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