I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
