my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize