I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
