Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
