I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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