I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
