I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
